The doctor is quiet. Everyone at this whole place seems to be so quiet, and it makes your brain race a million miles an hour trying to fill in the gaps. She speaks to you for barely ten minutes and then suddenly you have a diagnosis. Bipolar II, Panic Disorder without Agoraphobia, and Psychotic Disorder (not otherwise specified). This is it, what you've been waiting years of your life for. A diagnosis. And yet you're somewhat disappointed. You're crazy, You see things, feel spiders that aren't there, chase toddlers around parking lots when there aren't any there. And you don't feel like this diagnosis really speaks to the magnitude of it's severity. Just a couple words seem to sum up how you feel everything all the times, how you can't stand the thought of people leaving you but you want them to go away for the rest of forever.
She recommends a type of pill that will make you stable. But stable is terrifying. Stable means you might not be able to sing or act or write the way you're used to. Stable means you may not be able to love and hate and everything in between as strongly as you're used to. But you're here for that reason, aren't you? Stability. So you tell her you'll think about it and see her on Tuesday with an answer.
Stable, maybe you can get used to that.
You are a wonderful writer...and singer, and actor---and will continue to be.
ReplyDeleteLove you, and wishing you a happy stability.
Thank you for sharing your experience so candidly. <3
Thanks for sharing this is so sad I understand as a parent your children should have not suffered to get the help that you thought you were getting I was referred to this program..
ReplyDeleteindy drug rehab
How long does marijuana stay in your system